THE INTERVIEW: GOLFWIDOW!

This week, I am tickled to have a good friend and fellow Blog Bud as my Guest. She is the one, the only undisputed " Golfwidow"! So, read on and ENJOY!

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Golfwidow (of Golfwidow's Ministry of Silly Walks--featured on this Blogroll) was among the first handful of friendships I made when I opened this Blog last June 15th. If there exists a person with a more wicked sense of humor and sharp wit covering the subjects permeating the International landscape from people, music, fashion, history, science, beers, morons, present day human behavior and otherwise unscripted fun that seems to happen wherever they go, then that person sadly remains undiscovered. Funny enough, Golfwidows Ministry of Silly Walks from its very title led me to assume (a dangerous practice--never assume) that she arrived here in the U.S. from a two-story flat conveniently located within a stones throw of 10 Downing Street where it is easy to conceive Golfwidow throwing open her second story window and shouting something to Prime Minister Blair as he disembarks from his Limo to begin his day at work. A prospect that would at the very least draw a smile from Tony if not make him fall down laughing on the sidewalk!

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On more than one occasion, I have owed a debt of gratitude to Golfwidow, who must have sensed I was a bit "green around the ears" when it came to this Blog business and she metaphorically guided me (gently) by the elbow away from potential riots that would have witnessed Martha Stewart emerging from the fracas with a 12 gauge shotgun pointed at me! So with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek I begged and pleaded (this is true!) for an interview after my well-publicized missed connection with Golfwidow on her recent travels to Columbus, Ohio. On that note we began our chat.

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MM: Your adventures are so vivid and powerful. And I couldn't help but note that they have included some mutual friends of ours such as Deni Bonet (Last Girl On Earth), LisaBinDaCity, Bud Buckley and D-Man Bites Dog. How would you describe your range of influence on all of us from tales of singing dirty Christmas songs to getting ripped and running into John Cleese?

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GW: Ah, you seem to be referring to my online profile. I decided that the best way either to a) prove that "just because it's online doesn't mean it's true" or to b) concede to being yet another unreliable online source of synthetic, truth like, fabricated "facts," I would allow my friends and readers to make up my biography for me. It's far more interesting than the events that have really happened in my life. I think I have met, in person, maybe two or three of the total people who have, in that biography, claimed to have eaten, drunk, sang, or gotten naked with me. Which is, now I come to think of it, also safer than living that way in real life. As far as what you're calling my "range of influence," I perceive that as just an extension of the fact that, if I see something that amuses me, I tell other people about it. Sharing is one of the best things about being sentient - even if it's a horrible experience. Like asking people, "Have you ever eaten the chili at Duchess? WHY DO THEY PUT SWEET PICKLE RELISH IN IT? EW!!!" And then adding, "Here, taste some if you don't believe me." Shared experiences bring us, as a species, closer together. That's part of why I write online. I want not only to communicate, but to know that I'm not alone in some of the weird, wonderful, wretched, wacky, world-shattering W-words that I experience in my life.

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MM: Somehow, the title of your Blog led me to believe you had some sort of English connection. How would you sum up my misunderstanding?

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GW: You expect ME to sum up the workings of YOUR mind? I'm not a psychologist. I'm still not a hundred percent sure how the hell MY mind works. Maybe you misunderstood because you assumed that only British people can appreciate British-styled humor like Monty Python (which was inspired, if you go back far enough in an anthropological sense, by the Marx Brothers, who were either American or American immigrants - I'm too lazy to look it up). Maybe you thought I was British because you neglected to notice that I don't spell the word "humor" with a U before the R. It can't have had anything to do with my food choices, because, speaking of chili, the only time I ever had chili in London, it had peas and carrots in it. Peas and carrots have no business in chili. I should mention, before we go any further, that my general theory of humanity is that everyone in the world thinks that their religions, driving skills, and chili recipes are better than everyone else's in the world. Also, we're all correct in this belief. (Except the rest of the world, because I know for a fact that MY religion, driving skills, and chili recipe are better than everyone else's in the world.) This is why we will never have peace on earth.

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MM: I know that anything can (and often does) happen when you are the "Pied Piper" on social outings to a Pub. Can you be specific about any recent outings that produced an adventure?

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GW: I'm really not so much of a pied piper. I'm very shy and it takes quite a lot of coaxing to get me to meet new people. However, once I'm at a gathering and feel comfortable, I'll start putting my two-cents' worth into the conversation. I don't think I've ever done what some other people are capable of, inviting people to meet-and-greets and "holding court." I'm embarrassed by being the center of attention and would rather be the supporting character than the star. The supporting roles get a lot of good, funny lines. Or, as Jerry Stiller once said of performing Shakespeare, "Clowns and buffoons need not rhyme." That's me.

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MM: Ah, Jerry had a birthday this past week too! Just for the record, Has Prime Minister Tony Blair ever contacted you about The Ministry of Silly Walks to determine what it is that you do?

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GW: I suppose he would, except that I didn't create the Ministry. I joined it in tribute to my worship of all things Monty Python. Also, since I receive no grant money for my research on behalf of the ministry, I venture to say that Tony Blair gives approximately less than a shit what I do. John Cleese, who did create not only the Ministry but also the Silly Walk that is its namesake, has never contacted me either. Which is odd, because Schweppes is my favorite Ginger Ale.

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MM: That is strange. Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about your hubby, a.k.a. "That Man of Mine". As you know I'm a proud member of your List of Heroes for the children's charity. For those who may have been on an extended vacation in Haiti, what is this all about and how can we help?

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GW: One doesn't get a name like Golfwidow by accident. One must earn it. This is how I multitask: I get my golf-crazy husband out of the house so I can have a few hours of peace and quiet, he comes home happy because he's gotten to play golf, I'm happy because I can prepare foods that he doesn't like or is allergic to (such as crab cakes or insalata caprese), and we've both done something worthwhile for charity. Annually, the Richter Golf Course in Danbury, Connecticut, hosts a charity tournament benefiting the Hanahoe Children's Clinic, a thirty year-old institution offering stellar pediatric care regardless of a patient's ability to pay. You can read about it in more detail, and find out how to contribute, at http://diarytown.com/golfwidow/thatman.html. I had to set up a web page for them in my own online space and do a lot of research in the process, because there was literally no information about them online whatsoever when That Man first started golfing in the tournament. Golf is, to my way of thinking, one of the world's most boring activities pretending to be a sport. You can see my comic strip illustrating my opinion, here: http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/golfwidow/328114

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MM: You strike me, Golfwidow, as a Connoisseur of Fine Beers, and yet you seem to consume vast quantities of ice water. What's up with that?

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GW: I drink lots of things. In addition to ice water, I consume vast quantities of coffee, tea, energy beverages, beer, ginger ale, Irish whiskey, diet Coke, cranberry juice, and heaven knows what-all else. What I don't drink anymore in vast quantities is milk. I love it, but am allergic. I have taken to putting Bolthouse's vanilla chai soy on my cereal. But back to the ice water, which was the original gist of your question: it's a matter of practicing what I preach. I have been trying to get That Man of Mine to consume less diet Coke, because not only is it not healthful for him to drink only caffeinated, artificially-sweetened and flavored beverages, but also because he refuses to drink generics or other cola brands that might be on sale when diet Coke is full price, so that's kind of an expensive habit on his part. I told him he could have all the diet Coke he wanted as long as, for each glass of diet Coke, he also drank a full glass of ice water. I figured if it didn't actually cut his Coke consumption in half, it would at least help keep him a little more healthy. Then, as I noticed that the Brita pitcher wasn't actually being used by him, I started drinking the ice water from it myself, both to set a good example and to make sure I was getting my money's worth from that filter, which is also not cheap. This led to my drawing a glass of ice water from the pitcher right before I sat down at the computer at any given time. Which means that, when I get to the point in my post where I share what I'm drinking, the answer tends toward being "ice water" more often than not. Since the last habit I used to have before I sat down at the computer at any given time was making sure I had cigarettes and a clean ashtray, I feel a bit better about myself. (Also, while my favorite beverage to drink whilst working is, indeed, good beer, beer is a dear passion of mine, and it makes me fatter. Whereas, when was the last time you heard of someone getting a water-belly?)

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MM: Hey! I have Brita too!! All right. Let's talk about your musical tastes. What makes you "shake your booty" these days?

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GW: You'd better hope I DON'T shake my booty. The planet's tectonicu are unstable enough without that added stress. My musical tastes are, really, all over the place. I credit my mother with this development, as she always has encouraged me to try new experiences, whether it be food, books, or music, (or even getting to know a person) before making judgments about it. As a result, my iPod is a hodgepodge of styles, my CD collection is a rummage sale, and I have stacks of vinyl records and eight-track tapes ranging from classical and baroque to rock and punk. I'm also quite the packrat when it comes to music, but I frequently dust off old favorites and listen to them as the mood strikes. Music is so very evocative of memory for me, which is why I cannot, to this day, listen to Lou Rawls, despite loving his songs: he was at the top of the Billboard charts the week my grandfather died, when I was a tiny kid, and just a few bars of "Lady Love" puts me right back into the horrified, heartbroken emotion that slammed me when I found out I was never ever going to see my sweet grandpa again. Again, with music, I always try to keep an account of what I was listening to at any given time, not only for my own reference, but to share it with everyone else. I love when someone comments on one of my posts that the song I was listening to is one of their favorites. It's sort of like making a telepathic connection.

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MM: I totally understand. I miss my Grandpa too. You were a reluctant participant in my efforts with “D-Man Bites Dog” to unseat either "The Jimmy Kimmel Show"or "The Big Idea with Donny Deutche" with our own unique show where I even offered my services as the "new" Ed McMahon, sitting next to your desk and laughing maniacally at various intervals at your humor. What's behind this modesty?

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GW: A combination of my aforementioned introversion and stage fright at being at the center of attention, plus the fear of not having an original angle. There are, to my way of thinking, too many talk shows out there, and they all seem to offer the same stuff to, essentially, the same demographics. Why be another Pat Sajak or Charles Grodin when I can just stay here and not worry about what my hair or wardrobe looks like at any given time? Besides, if you have a talk show, you have to run the risk of Kathy Griffin pestering you to be on it all the time. I wouldn't be able to dodge her forever.

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MM: Yeah, I saw the episode of her in tears inside her Limo after being banned from Jay Leno. So you may have something there! Although she's not a bad looking girl. But I digress...I must ask this or my loyal readers (all 7 of them) won't forgive me. You've written recently about unwinding the car window and screaming at cows and certain roadside distractions as "That Man of Yours" drove along the highway. What prompted this?

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GW: Boredom. Seriously. If nothing in the car is holding my interest, I look outside. One of my favorite English teachers encouraged us to seek out what he called "fabulous reality" -- the things that are just enough skewed to stand out from everyday life. If you're driving and you see a bunch of kids playing, that's reality. If you see a bunch of kids playing on one side of the street and one kid all by himself on the other side of the street, running around with a towel pinned round his neck and a Cape Cod Chips tin on his head, that's fabulous reality. The fact that I yell things out the window is, again, a testament to my desire to share. If it's fabulous reality, let everyone have some of it. Silverware, next right. Yard sale? Let's stop and buy some yard.

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MM: Clearly, you have an eye for talent. If we Bloggers rented a Double-Decker bus from New York City and showed up on your front lawn unannounced and you opened the door as we shouted "Surprise!" what would we hear playing on your stereo in the background?

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GW: Watch your verbiage, mister. If I have an eye for talent, then what you'd HEAR on my stereo would be irrelevant. I don't even think I have, necessarily, an ear for talent. I know what I like and what I like to share. That said, assuming that I was home when you showed up in your rented bus, assuming that I had the stereo on, and assuming that I was listening to something I think is not necessarily as well known as it ought to be, it'd probably be Bud (Buckley), D-Man, Deni, Bob Gentry, or These Green Eyes. If you or your readers are not listening to any or all of these musicians, you should at least give them a fair shot. This, by the way, is only a tiny sampling. I'm very broke, and I listen to a lot of independent musicians online because it's free or cheaper than buying CDs or music downloads.

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MM: Ah, okay! Well, I'm already a huge fan of Deni and Bud. But I've missed D-Man and These Green Eyes, so I'll have to fix that! Hey! Let's talk Theatre? Have you seen anything impressive lately?

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GW: Live? Not lately. I have two primary live-performance goals: Spamalot and The Reduced Shakespeare Company. I'd be so happy to see either or both. At the movies (to which I rarely go because That Man of Mine, though he claimed, when we met, to love the movies, was actually lying to make me like him), I have recently seen The DaVinci Code, which was not as good as the book, X3, which was not as good as the comic books, and Over the Hedge, which was at least as good as the comic strip and had William Shatner as Ozzie, which was inspired casting.

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MM: 'Inspired Casting'! (Laughing) I love that!! (Serious demeanor returns) What should every new Blogger know before they visit your site?

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GW: How to close their browser windows if they don't like what I write. Actually, anyone who visits any online site ought to know how to close their browser windows. No one's nailing your eyeballs to the screen, people. If you're referring to some sort of guide as to "how to read this blog," the only answer I'd have would be, "In English, from the left margin to the right margin, working downwards toward the end of the page." Basically you can start anywhere. That's the beauty of having the sort of mind that throws brain confetti like Rip Taylor on speed. Some of it is very topical, some of it is very historical, some of it is anachronistic, but it's all still got its own sense of individuality. I do try to link back to past posts if I think a post doesn't stand alone and needs more clarification. If you see a link in one of my posts, it's worth your while to click it, even if you get lost somewhere else on the web for a while. Keep your brains moving.

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MM: Well said! Your keen eye from a public relations perspective has always been reliable. What would you say to Britney Spears, Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson? Are they a lost cause, or should we heed Mick Jagger's advice to 'give them shelter?'

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GW: I would love to be able to say to anyone and everyone, famous or not, "If you want to be the center of attention, you have to be prepared for bad attention as well." This doesn't mean hiding behind big sunglasses and darting furtively into a restaurant via the kitchen entrance. It does mean that, if you don't want people to make fun of the fact that you go out in curlers, don't go out in curlers. If you don't want people not to take your religion seriously, don't cite your religion whilst jumping on a sofa or castigating someone not of your religion for not doing things the way your religion does. If you are male and don't want to be pointed toward the ladies' room, don't wear traditional woman's garb and keep your face veiled in the country where you have to pee. And so on. On the other hand, if celebrities didn't do inexplicably silly things, I'd never have anything to talk about.

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MM: Surely, GW you have a concept of your ideal "Dream Vacation". What is it?

GW: I have always wanted to take a yearlong tour of the great breweries of the world, journaling my experiences, taking pictures, sampling (of course), and, ultimately, writing a book. Though others far more knowledgeable and talented than I have already done this, I want to experience it myself.

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MM: My curiosity is killing me. Where do you get your inspiration for your great BLOGs?

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GW: I get all my ideas from Stephen King. I don't know where he gets them from. I dare you to ask him though. I'll hide in this foxhole and wait. When I started doing this, I didn't have any inspiration. All I had was a burning desire to write. So I glued my butt to my seat and forced myself to write every day. The more I did this, the more I found myself observing my world as deeply as possible, looking for ideas -- those fabulous realities I talked about before. It's like exercising any muscle; if you do it long enough, it becomes effortless, and you find ways to add weights or adjust the tension or go a little farther to keep it working for you and to make yourself stronger. It's also like exercise in that some days you don't feel like it, and also that, if you stop doing it entirely, the ability atrophies and you have to start from scratch.

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MM: Is there anything scandalous we should know about you?

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GW: I pick the peas out of the fried rice. Actually, I pick the peas out of anything I'm eating. I KNOW they're supposed to be good for me. But I have never liked peas and I never will. And, yes, Mom, I did try them before I knew I didn't like them. The tabloids will be all over my pea-prejudice now, I'm quite sure. This will probably lose me my presidential nomination.

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MM: Describe for us your idea of a "Fun Night on the town"?

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GW: A table in a bar, with music, good beer, and fattening snacks. Decent people to talk to and listen to. No dancing unless you really want to. No karaoke unless I'm very drunk. If Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, actually existed (or will exist), I'd like to go there for a little food, a little wine, and the universe going foom.

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MM: I see your limousine has slowly pulled up to the curb outside. So as Bill O'Reilly is fond of saying these days, "I'll give you the last word".

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GW: I'm giving everyone else the last word. Look at your world. Be amazed. Then discuss. The whole communication thing works best when we're actually, you know, communicating. Or, to carry another metaphor a bit further, make a batch of your Best Chili in the World, go meet someone new, let him or her taste your chili, and have some of theirs. We KNOW it won't be as good as yours, but it'll still be good (unless they've put peas, carrots, or sweet pickle relish in it). And remember, we ask for advice when what we really want is permission. Keep that in mind the next time you're thinking about asking someone else what you ought to do with your life.

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MM: Ladies and Gentlemen, Golfwidow has just left the building! I'm looking out the window and I can tell you that her Limo is pulling away and....... I feel like Hedda Hopper telling you that, but it’s true! What a great lady!! Again, you can click on Golfwidow’s Ministry of Silly Walks located proudly in the right hand margin of this website on my Blogroll. And by all means, HAVE FUN!

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