THE INTERVIEW: ANDY MARTELLO!

IF YOU ARE A NEWCOMER TO MY SITE, WELCOME! I'M POSTING THIS A FEW HOURS EARLY FROM DOWNTOWN CHICAGO WHERE I'M TOLD THERE IS ONLY ONE 24-HOUR KINKOS OPEN. AS IS CUSTOMARY FOR "THE INTERVIEW", THIS POST WILL REMAIN UP UNTIL 12:01 AM THURSDAY. ENJOY!

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Joining me today is a man with 21 years of experience in Comedy and his name is ANDY MARTELLO! Let me tell you just a little bit about Andy. He’s a Comedian who does stand-up, swallows fire, juggles bowling balls and spins plates. He’s a Featured Entertainer at State Fairs, Corporate Events, and Schools. Most recently, I wrote a Blog and included his plate spinning game that is so popular, I’m going to post it here again. But, first things first. Andy graduated from The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College.

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I first heard about Andy last March while visiting Bud and Cathy Buckley. They had met Andy in his home town of Chicago after Bud Linked Andy to his website. Bud, if you’ll recall is also a very recent Guest here on THE INTERVIEW. I was so captivated by how funny this guy sounded that I made a note in my Calendar Book to check out Andy Martello’s website. After contacting Andy, I discovered we had some things in common. We both love Comedy and Music. We are huge fans of Grand Funk Railroad. We have both trained in Improvisational Comedy, although I appeared in Columbus, Ohio with an ensemble cast and Andy does stand-up which is far more difficult. Plus we enjoy helping others who have far too much “reality” in their lives take time out to decompress. Well, okay! What better way to do this than to relax and laugh (both can be done at once). So, without further adieu I asked Andy to be my Guest.

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MM: Andy, welcome to my Blogsite. I guess if I were Alice Cooper I’d be welcoming you to my nightmare. But even Pat Boone is quoted as saying, “Hey, Alice has been through some changes lately”. Let’s start off with what you’ve been up to?

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AM: Thanks for having me, Michael. It's always nice to be had. My website is way overdue for some updates. I'm glad you read it though. Aside from being a comedian/juggler, I am also a humor writer hoping to develop a career as both an author & a "spoken word" artist. More like Henry Rollins than Spaulding Gray, but that sort of thing. Funny you mention Alice Cooper and Pat Boone.

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MM: Yeah, I did a recent Blog on his spoof CD “In a Metal Kind of Mood” because I thought it was funny.

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AM: Well, as for what I'm up to, my standard answer is that I'm working hard so one day I won't have to work so hard. In reality, much of my time is spent trying to get more work. Most people think the entertaining is the performer's job. In actuality, my job is to get more work. The performance is the fun part. Unlike most people who go to work one day and know there's that same job waiting for them the next day, I'm unemployed as soon as my show is over. I'm also trying to find the time, the drive, and whatever else I need to get a book published. I do a fair amount of writing aside from my Blog posts, including internet magazines, humor columns, stories from my showbiz past, opinion pieces, and so on. Ideally I'd like to find myself being a well-known author and performance artist. Doing the Henry Rollins thing would be just fine with me. That way I could be on stage, be funny & entertaining, sell CDs and books, and not have to eat any fire or juggle anything if I didn't want to.

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MM: You attended the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College and I’m assuming that’s in Sarasota where I recently visited. That had to be hard work. What was that experience like for you as you look back?

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AM: The Clown College was actually in Venice, Florida, right next to Sarasota. That is where the show's winter quarters are. I have mixed opinions of my time at Ringling. At the time I thought I was it was the coolest thing that could ever happen to me. I looked at it as some sort of crowning achievement that I'd made it in the world of comedy and professional entertainment. I also felt as though it would be a big help in furthering my career. These days I look at it as something I did when I was 18 years old. I never wanted to be a circus clown. I wanted to learn a lot of valuable entertainment skills in a short amount of time. Being a clown was a necessary evil and part of the deal if I chose Ringling. It was hard work. 14 hour days, six days a week, much of it in clown make-up and with bruises left and right across my body. Classes included juggling, mime, stilt-walking, unicycle-riding, slaps & falls, gag writing, costume & prop construction, acrobatics, improvisation, pyrotechnics, and public relations training. One class had us shooting our friends with a shot gun, but that may have not been for the circus. I'm thinking I was being trained as an assassin for the government. I don't remember everything. I just know I get all weird whenever anyone asks me to play a nice game of Solitaire.

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MM: As you know, I featured your plate spinning game on my Website and Denny Shane, another recent Guest on THE INTERVIEW complained that he sprained his finger. Denny Shane is a recently retired Judge. I feared a “frivolous lawsuit”!

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AM: I've been to Denny's Blog a few times. I'm not all convinced his sprained finger was a result of the Plate Spinning Game on my website. Anyone that has spent that much time in "his quarters" while wearing a dark robe can't blame all of his painful hand issues on a computer game. I mean, the computer had something to do with it, but my game can't be the only reason a guy hurts his hand. Good lord, he's gonna sue the ever-living crap out of me isn't he? I like Denny's Blog, though. He's a great man, a true American hero. He saved my life in the war, you know. I'm pretty sure he's found the cure for cancer. I know he kicked Polio in the ass. I guess what I'm saying is that he could have hurt his finger playing "Minesweeper". What's that sound? Oh yeah, that's the sound of me back-peddling.

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MM: (Giggling maniacally) Oh, God. Let me recover here! You live in Chicago and of course my lusty Top 100 Crushes include Actress Veronica Hamil who played attorney Joyce Davenport on the TV series “Hill Street Blues” (Stephen Bochco, the producer, THANK YOU!). Now I’m mentioning this to segue into your “Dazzling Diabolo Act”. That used to be the name of one of the street gangs in “Hill Street Blues”. How cool is that?

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AM: Man, did you hurt your back having to stretch so far to make that connection?

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MM: I try to make it look easy.

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AM: Was that street gang “The Dazzling Diabolos” or “The Diablos”?

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MM: No, no. Just “The Diablos”. Why do you ask?

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AM: Because if they were “The Dazzling Diabolos” I doubt I'd be all that afraid of them. Sounds too much like a bitter group of Broadway chorus dancers or something. As for Veronica Hamil, she's lovely and I hear she's already filed the restraining order against you so be careful.

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MM: Oh, dammit! Well, as Shakespeare once said in Macbeth, ‘What’s done is done’. I noticed that you used the actual real-life plate spinning act as “a great time management tool” for clients such as Boeing’s Leadership Center. As a part-time commercial aviation journalist, can I credit you, in part, for Boeing beating the crap out of Airbus in sales this year?

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AM: Generally, I try to take credit for every good thing in the world, regardless of if I had any hand in the success. If I am associated in any part with the company doing so well, then all the better. So yeah, my plate spinning corporate training seminar is directly responsible for the greater Boeing sales performance. I've done the same thing (the plate training thing) for Coca-Cola, Waste Management, Harley Davidson, Bridgestone/Firestone and may others. So if you want your company to succeed, you'll give me a call and demand I start spinning some plates today! Enron & Arthur Anderson chose NOT to use my training skills and look what happened to them! Are YOU willing to take that kind of risk with your company?

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MM: Bravo! Bravo!!! Listen, I’ve also taken note that your plates are provided by the M&M Events Company. Can you help me talk Fender into providing me with a certain amp I’ve been drooling over? Just asking.

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AM: You've been on TV. Get yourself a big gig with some national TV exposure and be sure to "casually" say, "Fender amplifiers are the single best amplifiers in all the world. They go to eleven and beyond!" Be sure to mention the exact design you're keen on owning and I'm sure they'll find a way to get you your amp. I was fortunate enough to get my plates from M & M Events because a friend of mine that worked there and booked me regularly, saw me on the WGN Morning News spinning plates. Event companies like that one go through plates like mad and since M & M is about a mile down the road from me, it all worked out well. But you know what I'm really missing in life? A kick-ass Fender amplifier. Man alive, those amps are good. I swear, if I had just one song to play to save my life, I'd be playing it on a Fender amplifier. Why take the chance of sounding like crap by using anything else? MMMmmm...Fender amps.

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MM: It’s the Hot Rod Deluxe 60 amp, Leo! Okay, juggling like everything I’ve seen on your most excellent website is an art. But how do you combine it with stand up?

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AM: Well I'm not the greatest juggler in the world so I'm sure that helps. I used to be a pretty damn good juggler, but I know I've forgotten more tricks than I remember. I've always been something of a comedian who happened to juggle. In the earliest years I focused on every cool juggling trick I could think of. However I learned that folks seem to remember the guy who made them laugh more than the guy who could juggle 8 balls. I am not really a circus-style juggler so I have a lot of patter with the act. If you drop an object, which every juggler does, it is easy to make it seem a part of the act if you have a good cover-up line or a joke. It helps to make the audience laugh at the joke and not at the mistake. When they laugh at the mistake they decide you're not good at what you do. When they laugh at your material they decide you're a genius, being able to miss on purpose like that. Another reason I developed more of a comedy act is because the majority of the bookings I have demand at least 45 minutes worth of program. If I were a flashy circus-style juggler, I may have a maximum of 5 to 15 minutes of material. That works well if you manage to get booked on some Vegas shows or things like that, but those gigs are not as prevalent as the schools shows, the corporate events, and the park districts, which need more time. As an example, back when I had maybe 15 minutes of juggling and some hackneyed comedy to accompany it, I was booked at my local church along with a magician. I was going to do my 15 minutes and collect my $50.00 and watch the "professional" do his full-length show. For whatever reason the magician didn't show up and the Priest asked me if I could do an hour. Before I had the chance to explain I had a limited program he told me he'd pay me the magician's fee on top of my own. Being 15 years old and needing that extra $150.00 I remembered that I was a funny guy and could fill in the act with some off the cuff comedy. OK, I ended up doing some of the same tricks over & over within the show, but it was a good set, all told. Lesson LEARNED! Since then I have developed a wealth of comedy that can accent any show and work for any audience. The comedic patter helps not only pad the act, but it brings a more personal feel to the show. I work the crowd a lot and respond to audience reactions very well. That makes every show different and creates a personal attachment for the audience member. I'm an excellent comedic performer, if I'm allowed to say such a thing. I should be allowed to say that since I wholly admit I'm an average juggler at best. Either way, I like being funny, clever, & memorable on stage as opposed to amazing, shiny, and forgettable.

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MM: Excuse me, Andy. I have to issue a disclaimer here. (I’m going to ask Andy about juggling bowling balls: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!). How did you decide to work this into your act?

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AM: Well it isn't exactly groundbreaking stuff here. Jugglers have been juggling bowling balls, and their predecessors--cannon balls for as long as the items have been around. It is just a naturally spectacular presentation. I'd always done a routine with one ball and two bowling pins, which looks cooler to me, but I've always had requests for three bowling balls. I was just fortunate enough to be dating a girl at the time whose parents owned, and were selling a bowling alley. They let me raid the place and find three bowling balls and other props that I could use and let me have them free and clear. I don't perform the bowling balls much these days as I need to repair the rack that holds the bowling balls on stage. My bowling ball juggling is quick and applause-worthy, but the reason I have this special rack is so I can do the even more visually stimulating finish to the act - I balance all three bowling balls on my head. Until I fix the rack I keep that trick out because to me, the juggling of the bowling balls isn't as interesting or different to me without the big finish.

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MM: You mention on your most excellent website that you have a 45 minute act that involves the art of fire eating. Isn’t this getting a little dangerous here?

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AM: Well not dangerous for the audience, but probably dangerous for me. But I've got to pay the rent, ya know? For the record, the act itself is 45-minutes and the fire eating is only about 5 to 10 minutes of that act. Actually, fire-eating is not the most dangerous or even the most difficult thing I do in my show. Let's not blur the issue, there is always a chance for serious injury or death, but if done right it is very safe for me. However, since the idea is to put a lit object into my mouth, something that most sane people don't ever do, it appears to be of paramount danger. I make a big comedy routine surrounding the act to get the laughs and to provide more of a release for the audience. The clapping when the tricks are performed properly is expected, but they don't really get that nervous energy out of them until I provide the reasons to laugh along the way.

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MM: Chicago—ah a great city so I’m told, even though I froze my arse off there in April. I learned there are Bulgarian Taxi Drivers there! So if intelligent minds don’t hire me soon, maybe I should apply to the Yellow Cab Company and surprise some of my comrades with my driving skills! How did you land in Chicago and what do you love about it?

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AM: I'd head to Vegas to be a cab driver. Cab fares are outrageous there and the tips are better. Plus, Vegas is one of the last places I can think of where the majority of the cabbies are English-speaking, regular Joes. You'd like it there much better. Being a cabbie in Chicago is just not as much fun, or so I've been told.

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MM: Either way, my requirements are a bulletproof glass partition. I feel every cab driver in America should strike until the cab companies install the partitions and stop making them pay to “lease” their cabs. Sorry. I had to jamb that in. You do have some connection to Ohio, right?

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AM: I am the only member of my immediate family that has never lived in Ohio. Even though I've traveled extensively, I was born in Illinois (near Chicago), grew up in Illinois (near Rockford), and currently reside closer to Chicago. When I started taking entertainment bookings back when I was 15 it was obvious to me that the pickings were slimmer in the Rockford area and more plentiful, if not a little higher paying, in Chicago. Chicago also has a very active arts community and the prospects of getting shows produced and finding a stage to perform on are better there than anywhere else. It is hard to get famous here but you can make a living here if you work at it hard enough. I LOVE Chicago and the surrounding suburbs for many reasons. I suppose the things that I always think of are the food, the architecture, and the people. We have the best food here, from pizza & hot dogs, to high end cuisine. Because of the amount of traveling I do I am familiar with the local delicacies from all over the place, but I'll always stack up any of the Chicago dishes against anything I've encountered. I have my favorite foods from around the country, but many of my most favorite treats can be found in the Chicago area. I really love big cities and rural areas. In the Chicago area, I'm minutes away from either landscape and no matter where I go, the people are just friendlier and accommodating than many other places I've been. If you're an architecture fan, you simply can't go wrong with a trip to Chicago. We've got world class zoos and museums as well as tiny little places nobody would think of anywhere else. There's culture, beauty, manufacturing, industry, commerce, retail, & tourism in the greater Chicago Land area that beats the tar out of most anywhere else. Plus, we have several Minor League and independent baseball teams here and I absolutely love going to those games instead of the Cubs or Sox games. If I had any sense or anywhere near the drive I had as a younger man, I'd head out to L.A. for the fame & fortune thing. It is just so damned hard to leave here "permanently". I love this area so much I can't imagine being anywhere else.

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MM: Okay, I’m about to bring up a hilarious song written by Richard Berry and performed The Kingsmen: “Louie, Louie”. And frankly I know even 20 year olds reading this are already giggling. Mothers on the street I grew up on banned their kids from buying this 45 RPM record. I can’t tell you how many hours we wasted mesmerized around someone’s portable record player (No, not a “Close and Play”! See what I put up with, Andy?) And I will tell you this. We just knew that they used F-word! I’m telling you we spent more time than the Congressional investigation did in Washington. But what a great party song or jukebox jingle to whip out when an audience looks bored. Let’s hear your take since you own more than one version!

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AM: Well I currently have between 300-600 versions. I recently came into a massive cache of Louies, thanks to Eric at LouieLouie.net, so I do not have an exact count for you. Let's get a few things straight here, Mister. Richard Berry wrote and recorded the original Louie Louie. The Kingsmen merely recorded the most famous version of the song several years later. Neither Richard's nor the Kingmen's recordings are dirty. The lyrics are sweet and harmless in every possible way and are easily accessible on the internet if anyone really wants to know the truth. However, most folks don't want to know the truth. It's a little like Penn & Teller's view on exposing magic tricks. The secrets to damn near every illusion known to man are readily available at your local library, but do most people go out to check out the book? No. They choose to believe that David Blaine can levitate and Chris Angel is going around cutting women in half in parks and letting torsos run around everywhere. It is just more fun to believe that Louie Louie is obscene. On The Kingsmen version there is one accidental use of "the F-Word" and you can hear it early on when the drummer kind of screws up the beat. It is as inaudible as anything else on that recording, Oddly enough, so many people have been unnaturally fascinated with the lyrics of the song, which contain no profanity, no one has even made mention of the actual, singular and brief swear word found on that record. I am no fan of the F.C.C., but if they ever wanted to make a gazillion dollars they should just go after every station that has ever played The Kingmen’s recording of Louie Louie. The F-word is there, and has been in every playing of the song since the 60's. Ike & Tina Turner recorded a version that, while not filthy, was certainly suggestive and a bit tawdry at the time. There are many others that have dirty lyrics, but the original as well as The Kingmen's versions are for all intents and purposes, safe for the listener. There are a few songs in the world that can always inspire a group of people to get up and dance. Louie Louie, when played in its most traditional and simple of interpretations, is one of those songs. It is a silly, stupid song that has lived a thousand lifetimes thanks to the controversy surrounding The Kingmen recording. Had some moronic puritanical fool in Indiana or wherever not complained to the radio station that he heard dirty lyrics in that version of the song, we'd not be talking about it and there'd be no reason for me or anyone else out there to actually collect different versions of the song. Well, there's no real reason for me to do it anyway. I'm just funny that way.

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MM: Okay, let’s talk Orson Welles. I am a huge Orson Welles fan. His first love was being a Comedian who performed magic tricks. Did you know this about Welles’ passion?

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AM: Oh sure, Orson Welles was quite a guy. I saw David Copperfield some years back (Remember those psychotic girls I mentioned? One of those wanted to see HIM. EWW!)

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MM: Yeah, well wasn't he dating Claudia Schiffer at one point? Oh, well. Never mind.

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AM: Anyway he had some great old footage of Welles performing a magic trick, which Copperfield integrated into the show. The segment was recorded specifically to be a trick that can be played with him on screen and a person watching being fooled by Welles. He was ahead of his time in every aspect of his career.

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MM: He really was and it was so sad to me how such a genius had to go through so much hell to get films made. And then you had the guys who just wanted to be seen lunching with him, while he was manipulated into thinking they were considering backing him. But I was also leading up to the point that he smoked cigars as you do, so I assumed there might be a neural connection there?

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AM: I'd say that the similarities between me and Orson Welles do involve cigars but not much else. First off, I'm still alive. Big difference. Though I too view myself as something of a misunderstood & underappreciated genius. What entertainer doesn't? But still, Welles beats me out because he at least got to taste success and enjoy a relatively good career. Nobody knows who the hell I am and likely never will. DAMN YOU, ORSON WELLES!

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MM: (Laughing) Since we have some comedic acting in common, I wondered if your wife ever worries about you displacing Tom Cruise if for no other reason than the fact that you have talent?

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AM: I have even fewer similarities to Tom Cruise. Of course, I'm very happy about that and so is my wife. She finds him to be creepy, unattractive, and even more creepy after that.

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MM: I would agree with your wife!

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AM: He's actually a talented guy. I've seen films of his I liked, and you have to admit, to be able to get women like Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, & Katie Holmes to marry you must require some talent. They can't all have been insane or desperate right? My wife wants the best for me and I know that if I could ever find a way to get on TV or in films, be famous, whatever, she'd be proud of me and supportive of me. She has a lot to deal with, being married to me. I'm a rather stereotypical entertainer as I am plagued with insecurities, self doubt, and crippling depression about myself and my career. I'm cynical, outspoken, an occasional pompous ass, and I have a need to be in front of people. When I'm not working I'm depressed. If I'm not at the higher level of success I get envious of those that are and upset that I haven't done the same. During the dry spells I'm a mess. During the busy times I can get short-tempered from being so tired. It cannot be easy to be around a guy like me and I give her all the credit for continuing to support me and my life choices. Although I am certain she's only in it because if I get famous, there's a better chance I will meet Joe Elliot, Joe Perry, Lucy Lawless, and any member of the Buffy/Angel/Firefly casts and introduce them to her. I think she wants free stuff or at the very least, better tickets to shows.

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MM: Excuse me, Andy. (Screaming) "I LOVE YOU, BROOKE SHIELDS!"

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AM: Was that a question? Is this interview just a way to woo Brooke Shields and Veronica Hamil? You're in the media. Arrange interviews with them. I mean, they are probably available for an interview these days. By the way, kudos to you for figuring out that the power of the Internet can be used to gain favor with hot ladies. Good luck with that.

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MM: Thanks, I could use a little luck. No, I was referencing the Cruise melt down on that infamous "Oprah" TV appearance where he jumps up and down on the couch, then later trashed Brooke Shields during the interview/confrontation with Matt Lauer . He was so out of line. To me, Brooke personifies Class. Who the hell is he telling her that anti-depressants are wrong? Sorry, that is just such a low blow.

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AM: I like Brooke Shields too. She’s tall and I love tall women.

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MM: God! So do I!!

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AM: I think Hamil is tall as well. At least in my mind she is tall.

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MM: My brother asked me if she wed actor Daniel J. Travanti? I wasn't sure. But I thought she’s still single. But that could be denial on my part. A great Actress. And very involved in Philanthropy. Go ahead.

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AM: They're both brunettes and that's always good. You know what I like about tall, brunette women?

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MM: Why do I suddenly feel like Captain Kangaroo standing next to Bunny Rabbit?

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AM: Making love to them on top of a brand new Fender amplifier.

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MM: Ping pong balls are falling from the ceiling! Look up!

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AM: (Unfazed) Not only does Fender create the optimal sound quality of any rock amplifier, but those things are sturdy!

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MM: Look, Bud Buckley is a terrific guitar player and Taylor didn’t lend him a guitar. What? Fender is going to give me a Hot Rod Deluxe 60 watt amp with casters because I can play power chords? (…Did I sound humble?) Nah! I’m telling you they won’t do it. Hey, I have a groovy idea, Andy! Tell us about working with Phil Collins on his 1994 World Tour and Mark Farner, the former guitarist and co-founder of Grand Funk Railroad?

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AM: Actually, of the celebrities I've worked with, Phil Collins and Mark Farner have the least interesting stories I can share.

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MM: Please. Humor me.

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AM: Sure. I was fortunate enough to have a supporting performance with Phil Collins, but I'm sorry to say I don't have any fascinating stories about him. I wasn't traveling with him or anything like that. I was working an event for Sears at their headquarters and since they were sponsoring his tour that year he was also working that same event. I juggled. He came out and sang three songs. He left. I finished working my shift. It was quite fun though since he was something of a surprise to all in attendance and I was expected to be there. "The juggler? Sure, he’s gonna be there. Phil who? "NO WAY!" I actually had a brief encounter with Mark Farner at a summer event in Carol Stream, IL, where I live. I was just pleased to have an event close to home and having Farner as the headliner was even better. I met him walking around the festival grounds. He had his guitar slung across his back like a backpack. When I met him I issued my standard question I ask to just about every celebrity I meet, "Anyone ever tell you look like (insert celebrity's name here)?"

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MM: Oh, God no! Please tell me you didn’t…

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AM: …He responded with the same thing every celebrity has ever said to me when asked that question, "Yeah. I get that a lot." He was very cool to take the time to check out the town and the festival. A lot of the headliners I've worked with don't give a damn about where they're playing. Farner even bought a painting from a local artist at the fest who made those celestial scenes by using spray paint cans and the lids from pots and pans. He dug the painting, got one made for him, paid cash and had a great little conversation with the artist. Not bad. At my Blog I have made written up some of the celebrity encounters I've had over the years. They're in two sets of posts called "Random Celebrity Photos" and "Random Celebrity Memories".

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MM: Oh, now that’s a new one! Do tell!!

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AM: The photos have not only the story, but some photographs to back up my recollection. The memories have no photos to back me up and I trust people believe me because the stories are honest and funny. Either way, people seem to enjoy hearing about some of the people I've worked with and I try to jot these memories down if there's something worth mentioning. Among the celebrities and famous groups I've worked with over the years in one way or another are Audrey Hepburn, Robert Altman, Gary U.S. Bonds, The Vogues, Blues Traveler, Malcolm MacDowell, Koko Taylor, & Buddy Guy, among others.

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MM: Wow! Buddy Guy! That is totally cool. You’ve also performed for the elder President Bush and Congress. Did the thought ever cross your mind that “Geez! Here I am in Washington in front of Congress!! Be careful what you ask for?”

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AM: Now that gig was quite cool, even though I didn't vote for the guy. I was fresh out of Clown College and I got a call from the Ringling folks wondering if I wanted to work an event in Washington for the President and Congress. Hell yeah! This was an annual dinner put on by the Washington Press Corp. sort of, "Thanks for letting us write awful things about you all year. Have some pie." This year the theme of the party was, "The Political Circus".

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MM: How appropriate!

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AM: Since the Ringling headquarters were also in D.C. it seemed only right that they provide the circus performers for the evening. I honestly cannot say that the President was there. He'd only recently been inaugurated and had taken ill and he was on the guest list. We did have to go through some security checks and the like, but I certainly didn't get to see the guy. However I did get to meet guys like John Glenn, Ted Kennedy, C. Everett Coop, and many other noteworthy figures. I had the best job of the night. I was at the top of the escalator, just after the area where guests arrived, and it was my job to direct everyone to the party. I knew the guest list before the press downstairs did. All of this was with me in clown makeup and I can only imagine what Ted Kennedy was thinking while talking to a clown at the hotel. I had the chance to meet some heavy hitters that night and I was getting paid to boot. Incidentally, all Mr. Kennedy said to me was, "Er, where's the bar?"

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MM: No! I can’t even imagine…

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AM: I swear on my life that's the truth. I loved that gig. Without it I'd have not had such a cool resume' listing and I'd not have the most excellent funny slogan for my promo years later, "Has performed for President George Bush (the original, NOT the sequel!)."

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MM: Does a certain former Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK who turned Senator—oh the hell with it. I was going to ask if a certain Senator struck you as belonging on “Star Trek the New Generation”? But I better not.

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AM: I think C. Everett Coop belonged on Mount Rushmore after seeing the reverence and respect he commanded when walking into the room. The place just stopped and folks treated him like the President himself. It was most amazing to see that someone had earned & deserved such respect from a cynical world. He wouldn't have been good on Star Trek.

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MM: Well, no. That’s not the guy I had in mind. But we won’t go there. He disgusts me.

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AM: Can't speak for any of the other guests, Senators or otherwise.

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MM: Excuse me (coughing) Do you really have a love affair with cigars?

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AM: Is the cough fake? Because you know I hate the fake cough people use when someone is smoking in a public place or because you were nervous. I'd make some sort of sexual joke after hearing the question? If you want the joke I'll go for the easy one. I've never had a love affair with a cigar, but my friend Monica has. I do have a list of ten reasons why cigars are better than women, as well as one explaining why cigars are better than men on my website. I used to do an entire stand-up routine about cigar smoking. I occasionally bust out the cigar material at a club if I remember I have it in the arsenal or if I'm smoking a cigar at the time. I also have a list of comebacks for smokers to use when they are accosted by nonsmokers, and accosted is about the only word for their behavior. I have never smoked a single cigarette except for an acting role or something like that) and I've always been a respectful and courteous cigar smoker. I do enjoy smoking a good cigar, even though I don't smoke nearly as many these days as in days past. It is my firm belief that a good cigar is the one luxury that any civilized gentleman in the world truly deserves. Me and my family helped create a cigar smoking book/accessory a few years back called the Don Martello Cigar Smoker's Journal. Sold several to shops around the Midwest and I still sell a few off my website today.

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MM: (impersonating Groucho Marx). “Say the magic word and I’ll give you a box of cigars”.

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AM: Cigars are delightfully politically incorrect and a pleasure to enjoy. I'd take the worst cigar against the best cup of coffee any day of the week, and I've had some really awful cigars.

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MM: So, can we assume you’ll be on the inaugural flight to Havana with an empty suitcase once Fidel keels over or the people demand a Democracy because dictatorships and people disappearing are rather synonymous?

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AM: No. I've had plenty of Cuban cigars in my day (genuine Cuban cigars, not counterfeits). They're not all that hard to come by, embargo or no embargo. Heck, take a trip to Jamaica and pay the extra few bucks for a day trip to Cuba. You can tour the cigar factories, get the real thing, and bring many of them home with you if you remove the bands. Most people who go all crazy for the Cuban cigars are the once in a while smokers anyway. They've heard that they are the best and they go nuts trying to find one. In their minds, they're having the best and they want to be able to brag about it later. It's a little like yearning for a night of unbridled sex with Angelina Jolie, finally getting it, and finding out she's about as interesting to sleep with as a piece of balsa wood. You're still going to tell everyone you were with her and that it was amazing.

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MM: Havana! I saw the Redford movie, “Havana”. Hey, did you ever have a Mob gig. No, wait! What was I thinking? Don’t answer that!

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AM: No. You brought it up. That will be your undoing.Actually; the mob is a big part of my entertainment career. I've never been backed by some broken-nosed boss or anything like that. I actually do a lot of work in and around the Chicago area as a 1920's style Gangster for Speakeasy theme parties. Great gig. You dress up in a period costume, get all gangstered up and in character, and then get paid to mingle with the crowd as that character. Had I known I could make GOOD money doing this sort of this 20 years ago I might have a bank account and health insurance today. I do this for many theme parties as all sorts of characters and it is a riot. I also was in a History Channel documentary as a gangster awhile back. Bill Kurtis, the man, the voice, the legend, produces all sorts of these specials for A & E, The History Channel, PBS, and so on. In this case I was in "Investigating History: Taking Out Al Capone". A Most fun job, indeed. Bill Kurtis is great to work for and I spent the day drinking, smoking cigars, hitting on gals in flapper outfits, and so on. I had a scene where I tried to bribe a cop, a scene where I was at the table while Capone bloodied up and killed a guy with a baseball bat, and a scene where I had the tar beaten out of me in an alley. I was a bloody mess. Later, my dead body was dragged through a cold meat locker. How can I not enjoy a day like that? I've even done a gig as a kind of "Sylvio" (from "The Sopranos") kind of character. So gangsters are a part of my life, even if only in a fictional way.

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MM: Let’s talk trash. I attended Bartending School but never used my skills. So naturally, my eye caught something you call “The Martello”. It reminded me of Donald Sutherland’s line in the original motion picture M*A*S*H when he tells Elliott Gould, “I don’t know your name stranger. But your face is familiar”.

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AM: "The Martello" is a drink I created some time back. At least I believe I invented it. Lord knows there are only a few million drink recipes out there. Until someone proves to me otherwise, The Martello is mine! I call it the ultimate chick drink because it has all the makings of a typical chick drink, but is tasty & strong enough that any man can drink it and feel like he's still a card-carrying MAN! A great martini to make if you have a lot of ladies and only so much charm or conversation skills. Not that I would condone using alcohol to get a lady a little more in the mood. The recipe is in my website in the Cigars & Martinis section and even though I've tweaked it a bit over the years, the message is still the same. It is a good, strong, sweet & potent martini.

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MM: You have a fascination with the cancelled TV series “Twin Peaks”. Tell us about this?

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AM: I bet if Brooke Shields or Veronica Hamil were in the TV series "Twin Peaks" you'd have known all about it.

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MM: You better believe it!

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AM: When I was originally creating my website I wanted to have a whole section filled with links and oddities. This would be apart from the more professional, corporate performer side of me and would give folks a little idea of some of the things I enjoy. I also chose things based upon their "geek factor", which as far as I'm concerned, adds to the appeal of a website. I was a big fan of the short-lived and long gone David Lynch program, "Twin Peaks". Over the years, I've noticed that a rather large number of former TP actors have been cast together in movies or televisions shows since Peaks left the air. It had a big cast so it is certainly understandable, but with this show in particular it seemed that the pairings of former TP actors happened more so than with other casts. That show had such stellar actors in it, I like seeing my favorite actors getting work elsewhere.

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MM: Me too! I love to see friends succeed and vice verse.

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AM: Anyway, a little research provided me with "The Original Sin", a cosmic connection from Hollywood's past that would one day lead to all of the actors being cast in "Twin Peaks". The Original Sin? Casting Richard Beymer & Russ Tamblyn in the Academy Award-Winning film, "West Side Story". Those two actors were principle actors in "Twin Peaks" many years later and for the sake of making something silly and stupid fit the Internet (easy to do I'd say) I created The Twin Peaks Game.

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MM: You’re killing me! THE TWIN PEAKS GAME!!! (Laughing)…

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AM: All you do is familiarize yourself with the cast of the TV show and the film, "Fire Walk With Me" and then be your normal, pop-culture junkie self, and act all happy when you find TWO or more actors with a "Twin Peaks" connection acting in a different project. It is actually a fun party game if you're among equally geeky friends or drunk from mixing too many "Martellos". It may not be as commonplace as the Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon thing, but that game just sucks anyway. Like, I want to be that familiar with Kevin Bacon when I can be MORE familiar with the likes of Sherilyn Fenn. Please.

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MM: So, why aren’t you on Conan O’brien? I can be very direct Andy.

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AM: He hasn't asked. Is that direct enough for ya, Michael?

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MM: Ah, so you’ve run into some inconsiderate people too? I know I have.

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AM: OK, the real answer. I don't have any representation or a publicist to speak of.

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MM: Or worse, having agents who have to ask you how to write a pitch letter because they’re terrified of the television medium but manage models and commercial actors with an iron fist!

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AM: I get all my work, for better or for worse, because of the work I've done to promote myself. There really aren't any talent scouts looking for great acts for their shows any more. It is all casting directors who are either hoping you'll find them or agents with folks on the brink of greater success doing the work for them. When I auditioned for the first season of "Last Comic Standing" I had no illusions of getting on the show as they were looking for types of people more than types of acts. Some of the folks I'd been standing in line with had been working in the business professionally for up to 20 years, like me. If they were really looking for good talent they'd have found us by then. However, I went because I had the day to audition and if it worked out I could get some TV exposure. As it happened, footage from my audition was used on the first and last episode of the first season and I still got to put it on my resume without having to play stupid games, make fun of my Asian mother's speech problem, or share a bathroom with Ralphie May.

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MM: You’ve got guts, I'll say that! National TV. Unless you're Jerry Springer, forget it.

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AM: It isn't impossible to land a national TV spot without some sort of agent pushing you, but it is definitely much harder to do than most any other avenue of show business I've been able to work within. I know some folks who've gotten on the shows, but they don't seem to have any follow-up afterwards. I know one juggler who's been on Letterman four times and is always complaining that he can't make a living in this business. I know if I got on Letterman ONCE I'd damn well be making a better living than the one I am now. Hell, I'm already making a living at this. I want to go higher.AM: My website has helped bring me to a wider potential client base and maybe one day I'll get some notoriety for my act, or maybe my writing. Some years back I received a phone call from a Celia Converse who booked the "Is This Anything" segment for The "Late Show, Starring David Letterman". She told me that Dave wanted a plate spinner for the segment and there are precious few of us around so they gave me a call. I sent them some video and other materials but it never came to pass. It COULD have had something to do with 9/11 (the terrorist attacks occurred around the time of Andy’s opportunity). They did away with the silliness on that show for a bit. It could also have had something to do with the fact that they didn't like me. I'll never know because they don't ever return your calls if they don't want you.

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MM: Yeah. Welcome to 'Corporate America’. The new fashion is not to return a person’s telephone call!

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AM: I had a similar experience with "The Tonight Show". I had just finished doing a corporate show for an insurance company. They knew they were getting a comedian, but they had no idea they were getting a hybrid comedy/juggler/really funny/work the crowd/quit-witted comedy act. The show was one of my best performances ever. I have a joke in my show about wanting to be on Letterman or Leno and even made a comment to someone after the show that if they know anyone at "The Tonight Show", by all means tell them I'm a freaking genius.

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MM: Great strategy on your part!

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AM: When I got home that night (the gig was in Indiana) there was an e-mail from a Jolie Ancel, segment producer for "The Tonight Show". She told me about an e-mail or two she'd received from folks who saw my show and raved that I should be on the program. I responded to the e-mail, sent out my press materials, and never heard from them again. Either my video and press kit sucks or I do. I don't know.

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MM: That’s my point. You’re left hanging and all the Agents are on vacation or it's hard to find one that wants to work. After all, they're only taking 10 percent and the Manager's get another 15 percent on top of that. So, you're national and big now and a 25 percent cut off the gross doesn't hurt. But getting there is like walking through molasses. I don't get this? It's like they exist under cover, and you have to know Donald Trump to find one who can easily connect you and pocket some good money at the same time!

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AM: I do know that because of my website I wouldn't have even been asked to submit to these programs before so I suppose I'm being turned down by a better group of people these days. In fact, just this year I got turned down for a pilot in L.A. needing to fill the role of "The Plate Spinner". This was a star-filled comedy show with a prestigious casting company finding the talent. For awhile there it looked like a sure thing. The character needed to not only be able to act and be funny, but actually spin plates like on the old "Ed Sullivan Show". Mysteriously I didn't get cast as "The Plate Spinner". You know, maybe I need a real job.

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MM: Andy, so much has been written about laughter releasing endorphins, cleaning away emotional toxicity and so forth. Have you had any occasions to perform for hospital patients…I’m thinking the elderly and children?

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AM: Ah, when I think of hospitals I too think of the elderly and children. I'm sorry what was the question? Oh yes. I've done countless shows for hospitals, nursing homes, and the like. I even wrote a piece about one of the more memorable shows for a group of special needs kids called, "Good Show". I will have to send it to you or provide a link for your readers. These types of shows can be a challenge. Some entertainers don't even bother taking them because they can't bear witness to some of the conditions people are in. I've worked burn units at hospitals and been told not to make one patient laugh because the pain from laughing could cause him to pass out. I've worked nursing homes for Alzheimer's and dementia patients. Once I was told, "I've never seen her smile before". I've seen a lot of things and performed for all sorts of crowds. I believe my show can be made to fit any audience and since most of my shows are of the corporate and sensitive kind anyway, I'm already well prepared for the task. However being fast on my feet with jokes and other dialogue definitely helps me in these situations. Sure, I prefer a group with all their faculties and so on, but that's just selfish on my part as I want everyone to get the jokes and laugh more. However some of my best shows have been for groups of people who may not have even known I was there to a degree. If you connect with the people watching the program, that is sometimes a better reward than laughter. I've worked a juggling show for a deaf audience and had to stop the show because the sign language interpreter was laughing too much.

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MM: That is funny.

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AM: I made a big joke about how when the interpreter was laughing I could only assume that the audience thought I was hiccupping or something. That brought on even more laughter from the interpreter and that made the crowd enjoy the show even more. What was odd about that was that I had to do my show as always, but wait for the audience to catch up to the interpreter to get the jokes and then laugh. Even then I didn't always get applause and laughter. Deaf crowds sometimes wave their hands instead of applauding and laughing.

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MM: We haven’t talked about your wife here. But how does a Comic meet the girl of his dreams? Or put another way, Andy. Should I begin taking lessons to capture Elizabeth Vargas, should she divorce?

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AM: Not being a magician I've no idea how one would meet the girl of his dreams. Of course I can't tell you how a comedian/juggler/fire eater/plate spinner/writer meets the girl of his dreams either. I've never met the woman of my dreams. I met my wife. Not that my wife isn't amazing and knowing her isn't wonderful, but the girl of my dreams? Nightmares are dreams and I certainly have met & dated a lot of women who would fit that criteria of dream woman. But you don't mean that, do you? A phrase like, "the woman of your dreams" is some made up romance novel crap that just never happens. I've been a man for most of my life and I can honestly say that we men create some impossible women in our dreams.

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MM: I couldn’t agree with you more. We men do that. Guilty as charged.

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AM: NOBODY could ever meet the standards of woman set in our dreams. The "woman of my dreams" has Oprah's cash and wants to please me sexually more than any real woman ever could (or would now that I think of it). My dream woman is tall & short, blonde & brunette (but more often than not, redheaded), Asian, Irish, & Brazilian (but speaks with a British accent), intelligent & stupid all at the same time. Her body & face are perfect and differently so every time I see her and she never gains nor loses a pound without approval. She never cuts her hair without my knowledge and blessing and if her hair somehow does change she doesn't give a care if I notice. She never asks me what I'm thinking and she always waits until the commercial to ask me a question. She makes me my Martini & later holds my hair while I puke. After sex, there is always a sandwich and a cigar at the ready for me to enjoy. Once the sandwich has been eaten, more sex, sandwiches, & cigars. She changes the oil in her car, tells me when to turn left long before the street arrives, laughs at my jokes, finds all other men to be completely unattractive, has enough spending cash & health insurance to last me a thousand lifetimes. Oh yeah, she's also a high-powered Hollywood agent and an equally powerful publishing agent and her every desire (outside of my petty sexual needs) is to make sure that everyone in the world has copies of my books, CDs, DVDs, and tickets to my next live show.

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MM: I get it. Good point for the men in my audience. Gee, anything else?

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AM: She also does all of the above things while standing upon a brand new Fender amplifier, the single greatest amplifier in music history!

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MM: I’ll never live that down! Okay, let’s have some reality! Tell us about the girl you fell in love with?

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AM: My wife? She isn't rich. She is, however, the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with because she met and exceeded all of my real life needs and expectations for happiness. She's extremely beautiful which is a bonus I imagine. Every one of my male friends all lined up to get her attention and some of them still are, probably, waiting our marriage out. I just let everyone else make idiots of themselves and held back, allowing my humor & the fact that I wasn't trying so damned hard to get with her to make me look much better than the other guys. I was the last man standing and sometimes that's what you need to be in cases like this one. She's about as perfect for me as anyone. I'm not a perfect husband and she's not a perfect wife. We're good together and good for each other and that's a whole lot more than I can say for most couples I know. She makes me laugh. That's extremely important to a guy like me because most people, including other performers, don't make me laugh. She also puts up with me.

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MM: I’ll let you sum up your appearance here today. The floor is yours!

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AM: Good Lord, I talk too much. Sum up my appearance here? I hope this was entertaining and informative. I'd like to think this was decidedly different from any other interview I've ever done, which I believe to be true. Because of the informal nature of this piece I hope I was able to give people a better idea of what I do and the types of performances & writings I offer. It is easy to get pigeon-holed in this business and nobody seems to know what to do with a comedian who happens to juggle (and eat fire, and spin plates, and write humor columns...), and can work corporate & church events as well as night clubs and seedy bars. I'm even more hopeful that anyone reading this and liking what they've read would try to book me in their town or recommend me to their local theatres, comedy clubs, and whoever is planning their company picnics or holiday parties. I would LOVE to see some agent or publisher take a look at this interview. Until then I hope to see some new visitors at my BLOG as well as my main website, which is in dire need of some updates right now (Too broke to update the thing. I need more work!) But really, I'm happy to have been asked to be a part of this series of interviews for you, even if you were just using this piece to meet Brooke Shields, Veronica Hamil or Elizabeth Vargas!

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MM: With God’s help, I may call you one day and your Caller ID may have one of these last names and even some I have left out. Like “Love-Hewitt” or “Aniston”. And when you are ready I have the worlds greatest Webmaster in Jason Buckley to help you. Andy Martello’s Official Website is on my Blogroll boys and girls! And God only knows in times such as these we could all use some humor. Stop by and say hello to Andy. A great guy! Ciao for now!

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